A 30-Something's Christmas List

Now that Jewish Christmas* is over and with Christ's Christmas less than three weeks away, St. Nick is in the final preparations for his annual assault upon chimneys and Oreo cookies across the continental United States** to celebrate American consumerism.  This of course begs the question,  have you made your Christmas list yet?  Now I know this tradition is generally confined to those miniature prisons run by an elaborate system of bells and halfway houses where the inmates must eat all of their vegetables to get a dessert, but ageism shall not be tolerated within the mighty institution of this blog.  Thus, it's no surprise that a Thirtysomething Lost Boy from LA just emailed me the adult oriented Christmas list he plans to mail to the North Pole later today...

Abs:  Santa, get your fucking tracksuit on because this year the lost boy would like some personal training sessions that revolve around strengthening his core via biomechanically efficient stabilization techniques and dynamic stretches.

Car Detail:  Maybe his parents were onto something when they wouldn't let him scarf down food in the car because now he just wants those embarrassing coffee stains to disappear from the seat cushion.

Cleaning Lady:  Living amidst rancorous squalor was once considered a form of rebellious freedom. Who was he fooling? Throw in a carpet cleaning too, please.  

Dog Walker:  Yes, he might have wished for a puppy once upon a time.  Now, he just doesn't feel like dealing with it on a daily basis as an adult.  

Grocery Gift Certificate:   Fuck video games and stereo equipment, dudes gotta eat.  He's partial to Trader Joe's and Whole Foods.  

Health Insurance: Who would have thought the boy who was once miraculously cured by the mention of a doctor's visit would like to be able to see a specialist for a reasonable fee?

A Suit (Black): He has a gray one already, but awareness is setting in that going to any forthcoming funeral might be a bit awkward for him without this wardrobe essential.

*Gift giving during Hanukkah wasn't always customary. It originates from the influence of Christmas.

**Santa doesn't visit Alaska, Hawaii, or Puerto Rico until after New Years.  It's just not logistically possible without incurring overtime fees for the reindeer and elves. Sorry, E kala mai iaʻu, y lo siento.