Holiday Card Cheer

Dear Holiday Cards,

I have a theory that if I ceased with a forward line of communication, somewhere in between ninety and ninety-five percent of the people in my bubble would disappear. I’d never hear from them again…with the exception of maybe some bullshit holiday card (you) guised with warmth.  I’ve tested out that theory a few times over the years with a one hundred percent success rate…or failure rate depending on how you look at the world.  Some of this might be natural, after all, it's impossible to maintain friendships with every person who comes in and out of life, but there are a few people who have meant a great deal to me who have slunk away even as I attempted to water the metaphorical plants emblemizing our growing relationships.  Those plants have withered and I’m finally content to let them die.  I’m by no means a fatalist, but I think my assessment of the self-seeking nature of humanity here is a fair and accurate one. People are vampiric in nature.  Draining whatever others have to offer for their own  needs.  Dispersing warmth from time to time just to ensure blood stays warm enough for  potential future needs.  Hence the bullshit look how awesome we’re doing holiday cards dispelled year in and year out  that are neither proceeded or followed by visits, phone calls, emails, or texts. “Oh isn’t that nice,  Billy Mahoney* was thinking of me,” you might think.  But you shouldn’t think that.  Especially since you called up Billy a few months ago and he never called you back. Wait, weren’t you supposed to meet up with Billy last year and he cancelled. You should send Billy his card back instructing him to keep save his warm wishes.  That’s too cold though, right?  Well, cold is the temperature of consideration.  This holiday season, give yourself a gift and don’t  cipher your own heat to light someone else’s fake fireplace. 

Sincerely,

Derek Needam,

Nobody’s Grinch

*The Creepy Dead Kid haunting Kiefer Southerland in Flatliners